Money Matters: Navigating Family Contributions

Back when families had dowries and the role of who paid for what was established by the rules of society, the who paid what was straightforward. Family of the bride paid for the wedding, family of the groom paid for the wedding rings, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon, and down the aisle they went. Nowadays, the cost of the celebrations is shared more and more between the bride and groom, with the families of both pitching in.

In these new modern times, the lines have become blurred as to who pays for what. Navigating those tricky areas sometimes can lead to family squabbles. We understand that weddings can be stressful, and sometimes family drama arises. Here are some pointers to avoid losing relationships over money, your patience, or your wallet.

First and foremost, once you say, “I do,” and you and your fiancé have celebrated and shared the news, make sure you set a meeting with your fiancé. This meeting shall be known as the Wedding Budget meeting, in which you will both come to the table to compromise as to what the real finances are for this event. Ask yourselves the following questions: How much are we prepared to spend on this wedding? What is a realistic timeframe to carry out the planning of the wedding? What other financial constraints are we both carrying (i.e., student loans, home loans, car loans, etc.)?

Please remember that you don’t have to go into debt to get married or to have the wedding of your dreams. Our advice, however, is that you walk into the planning stages of your wedding day with a realistic idea of what it is that you can afford. Talk about what you both would like that day to look like. Is it an intimate gathering or a big shindig? What type of venue and vibe are we wanting for the wedding day? All these things will influence the bottom line.

There are times when family and friends want to contribute to that bottom line to give you more wiggle room. Before you accept, it is of the utmost importance that you sit down with them and discuss what that contribution will look like. Below are some ways to phrase that all-important question: What are the strings attached?

·  “We’re so grateful for your generous contribution. Could you share if you have any preferences or expectations for how it’s used?”

·  “We want to make sure we honor your support in the best way possible. Are there any requests you’d like us to keep in mind?”

·  “Thank you so much for contributing to our wedding. Do you have any specific intentions or wishes tied to your gift that we should be aware of?”

·  “We deeply appreciate your generosity. To make sure we’re aligned, are there any guidelines or expectations you’d like us to follow with your contribution?”

Sometimes, as lovely as it would be to accept the financial contribution, to keep the family peace and the drama out of the wedding planning, you must turn it down. And we get it, we don’t want to offend Aunt Clara, but you know that saying yes to the $1000 for the cake means she will want a say in every single decision of said cake. We suggest one of the following responses:

·   “We’re so grateful for your offer, but we really want to keep this part of the wedding just between us. Your support by being there with us means the most.”

·   “Thank you so much for wanting to contribute, but we’ve decided to cover this ourselves so we can make choices that feel true to us. Your presence and love are more than enough.”

·   “We so appreciate your generosity, but we’d feel best handling the expenses ourselves. The best gift you can give us is sharing the day with us.”

·   “It means a lot that you want to help, but we’ve chosen to manage the finances ourselves. That way, we can make sure the day reflects both of us. We hope you understand.”

When money is involved, relationships can get tested. It’s better to have those money conversations early, be upfront about what the plan is, and put all the cards on the table with your friends and family when accepting their help. And remember, weddings are built on love, not ledgers. Money should never be the reason love or family ties are strained.